Chapter 9
"Tranny love, tranny. Girl and drag and all sorts of other shit," she said while making imaginary magic motions with her hand and a smooth hip sway with her body, like she was performing on some invisible stage.
Strangely, I felt even more welcomed, if that was possible. The air seemed lighter, the chamomile scent sweeter. Lunna didn't have pity in her eyes, or that sick curiosity. Just recognition.
"Yeah, it has been kinda complicated. I don't even know how to explain it. Everything feels kinda out of place..."
And without realizing it, without anyone even asking, I just started talking. Spilling the words like a dam had burst inside me. Stuff that even Jana didn't know fully, things that took me days with the therapist to finally get out.
"For example? I go out with a guy, do I fuck him or does he fuck me? And with a woman? Do I act like a guy?"
All that internet talk about gender roles, YouTuber bullshit, psychoanalysts—I knew it. I'd heard about gays, lesbians, trans, intersex, people who don't feel sexual attraction, asexuals, everything. But for me, it was all theory, not answers. It didn't fix the confusion that hit every time I imagined someone actually touching me. I wanted to be desired as a girl, delicate, fragile, but at the same time I felt my cock throbbing and wondered if I shouldn't be the one penetrating, the one dominating. And when I thought about women, it got even worse: I wanted to kiss, suck, lick, but what if she wanted me to be the 'guy' in the story? What if I wanted her to be? I'd freeze up completely just imagining it.
I stopped talking suddenly, face hot, cup shaking in my hand. Lunna looked at me quietly, not interrupting, just listening. Jana was frozen in the doorway, towel clutched to her chest, eyes wide, not knowing what to say.
Lunna set her own cup down on the counter, came over to me slowly, and sat in the chair next to mine. She put her hand on my arm, light touch, warm.
"Little flower, when you see yourself naked in the mirror, what do you see?"
"Something I don't like..." I said, staring at the dark floor dirty with mud from our feet.
"Little flower, when you see yourself naked in the mirror, what do you see?" she asked again, this time searching my eyes, like she wanted to get inside my head.
I looked at her doubtfully, not knowing what she wanted to hear.
"A beautiful girl with a big dick?"
"No. You gotta look at yourself, honey, and recognize something in you that no other woman has."
"A dick? Yeah, I said."
"No!"
She shifted her posture right away, lifted her chin, spread her arms slowly like the emergency lantern was a spotlight and the old kitchen was a stage. The pale light hit her face, highlighting the smudged makeup lines, her long hair still damp, and suddenly it seemed like the whole world stopped to listen.
"The power!"
"Power of what, Lunna?" I asked, deflated, voice low, tired of thinking about it so much.
She took a step closer, voice low but firm, like she was sharing a secret no one else deserved to know.
"When you understand that your body is a weapon of desire, of curiosity that confuses, that makes men and women stop in their tracks, swallow hard, question everything they thought they knew about themselves... when you learn to use that to your advantage, little flower, you'll have it all. Loves that beg to stay, money that shows up without you asking, favors no one else can get. Because you're not just a girl. You're the mystery no one expects, the temptation no one can ignore, the force no one can tame."
I stayed quiet, letting each word land heavy. She talked like having a cock was the biggest advantage in the universe, like I'd been born with an invisible crown the rest of the world couldn't see. But she didn't stop there. She kept going, voice gaining strength, almost singing.
"I want you to try it out. Know how?" She paused dramatically, eyes shining in the dim light, hand extended like she was handing me something invisible. "Let that horny little beast inside you out. Try it. Do whatever you want, however you want, without asking permission, without apologizing, without worrying what others will think. Touch, suck, fuck, get fucked, take charge, submit, change your mind in the middle, stop if you want, keep going if you want. There's no right or wrong in your body. There's only what makes you feel alive."
She leaned in closer, voice dropping to a husky whisper that sent shivers down my neck.
"Stop hiding behind labels that don't fit. Stop asking if you're a man or a woman in bed. You're Rebeca. And Rebeca has a cock that throbs when she wants it to, make your ass work like a pussy if you need to, you have a body that decides what it feels. When you accept that the power isn't in what goes in or out, but in what you make happen... then, little flower, you'll be free. And when you're free, no one will put you in any box again."
I felt a knot in my throat slowly unravel. The tears that had been stuck since the beginning of the night rolled down hot, but not from sadness. It was something else. Relief mixed with fire. Jana squeezed my hand under the table, her eyes wet too, but she didn't say a word. Lunna just stayed there, smiling softly, like she knew she'd planted a seed that would grow on its own.
The tea went cold in the cups.
And the world started to spin.