Chapter 1

Of all the guys I’ve been with, Leon was hands down the most intense. He had this peculiar thing about him, something that drew me in deep. It was like his emotions were a game of extremes, flipping between the tenderness of a caring lover and the wildness of someone who gave in to pleasure in an almost animalistic way. And when I say wildness, it’s not like you’d think — not violence, but something way more intense, almost like an uncontrollable need, a desire that didn’t know where to start or end anymore.

And me, of course, I loved that side of him. It was like he lost control over his body and mind when he had me, and that made me feel alive, swept up in a force I barely understood. He took care of himself, Leon did. Every detail mattered to him: his diet, his grooming, the clothes he picked, the cologne he wore — all with a precision that could only be called obsessive. He knew how to turn his body into a work of art, and it was hard not to notice, not to want more.

Deep down, I knew my insecurities were obvious, and I couldn’t shake this constant fear that he’d trade me in for a hotter, more interesting woman. He was so far above me, like some untouchable being, and I had to face that truth, even if it was tough. No point lying to yourself, and I knew he could find someone better. That thought always lingered in my mind, leaving me vulnerable.

But something shifted after we’d been together six months. He, like his hunger had grown even more insatiable, started pushing me. He wanted more from me, wanted to try more things, and I… didn’t know how to handle it. Not that I didn’t like exploring, but I’d always been so passive, and my libido, insatiable as it was, led me to this endless place of desire, but with a need to be guided, not to take the lead. He complained, said I never initiated or came up with ideas, but the truth was he didn’t get how much it turned me on, how excited I got, but I still wanted to be led, not always out front.

That argument, of course, had been tense. I knew I had to do something, come up with a fix, and soon my mind was buzzing with ideas. I thought about pole dancing classes, but that’d take months, and I didn’t have the patience to wait that long. The idea of bringing in a friend crossed my mind — I have this one friend who’s insatiable, always up for anything. But honestly, I can’t stand other women, and the thought of using her to please him made me uncomfortable. In the end, two options left. First was fucking in public places, which turned me on more than I’d admit. I’ve always gotten a thrill from showing off, and the idea of getting caught made me shiver with excitement. But on the flip side, I always believed it shouldn’t be planned — it should be natural, a spontaneous burst of desire.

The other option? Well, something more in the BDSM realm. I didn’t know exactly what it’d involve, but the idea of being submissive, of exploring limits I’d never touched, was starting to seduce me.

What I knew about it wasn’t much different from what every woman who’d read “Fifty Shades of Grey” knew. The pain part left me a bit confused, but the idea of submitting, of losing control — that really got me going. I spent a good while surfing the web, watching videos of people giving themselves over to these practices, and even peeked at some more explicit stuff — which, I confess, unsettled me right away. I saw there were places, spots made for this kind of thing, but up till then I only knew about swingers’ clubs and brothels. My body seemed to want more than my mind was ready to accept, and sitting on my bed with my phone in hand, I felt my body respond intensely to what I saw, to the point of squeezing my thighs together. I avoided masturbating, ‘cause I knew that could turn into a habit again. I realized that by holding back that urge, my libido with him got way stronger.

From the stuff I found, I quickly saw I’d need some gear. The only thing I had was a small vibrator, more for solo use, especially on the clit. So I started looking for things to buy, but I knew I had to talk to him about it first. I decided to call.

“Babe, would you be down for some BDSM action?”

I asked, trying to mask the insecurity in my voice.

“Hmmm, if you really dig it, and it’s not just to please me, then yeah, I’m totally in,”

his response came with a little dig, like always, since he always accused me of trying to please him more than I wanted for myself.

“So, I’m on this site, adding some stuff to the cart. Log in with my username and add whatever you want, then we’ll pick it all out together.”

“Deal!”

I’d already added some lotions, a dildo-style vibrator, and a leather paddle that promised not to hurt, but I bought it more to catch his eye, ‘cause honestly, that didn’t turn me on at all. I knew it’d be the first thing off the list. I also added some handcuffs — I’d always wanted to be dominated — and a blindfold, which I thought would look sexy. And, of course, some super provocative lingerie and a pair of boxers I knew he’d look amazing in.

After picking out everything I wanted, I felt good and sent him the login. The week went by smooth, like usual. The BDSM idea and trying new things brought some freshness to the relationship, but we still weren’t great. We didn’t talk much about it, ‘cause we ended up hanging with other people during the week, and you couldn’t bring it up in the middle of everyone. Our days were so hectic that, to be honest, I totally forgot about it.

On Friday night, I was home alone. It poured rain like crazy, and there was no way we’d meet up that day. Suddenly, I remembered the site and got curious about what he’d added. To my surprise, the cart was empty. “Did he delete everything I picked? No way,” I thought, pissed. But then I saw he’d made a purchase. I nearly dropped my phone when I saw the list of stuff he’d bought without even asking me. He’d dropped a fortune on accessories, and each one seemed more over-the-top than the last: yards and yards of rope, nipple clamps, some weird-shaped panties, masks, and even anal plugs.

“I ain’t using that shit!”

I yelled, alone and furious, from my room, because he’d bought it all without consulting me.

Pissed off, I grabbed my phone. It was disrespectful. Not about the items themselves, but him not checking with me. The whole point was to do it together, not him deciding everything solo. He picked up on the first ring, like he was waiting.

“Leon, what the fuck is this crap you bought? Are you nuts? Did it ever cross your mind to ask me?”

I really had to dig deep to keep my cool.

“You told me you wanted BDSM. Get used to your place — obeying — from now on.”

And he hung up.

If he’d planned that response, I don’t know. I should’ve been furious, but a sly little smirk tugged at my lips, saying that deep down, I liked it way more than I should.