Chapter 4
Today was gonna be a nightmare, I knew it already. It was always like that. Valentina wouldn’t shut up, and when she did, it was just to catch her breath and complain even more later. Today was gynecologist day. And the worst part: a new doctor. I’d have to spread my legs for a total stranger and still hear a diagnosis that, if God was fair, would include a patience award for putting up with this yapping pussy.
“Valentina, don’t freak out, we’re gonna have to have a talk.”
“Talk?! You wanna drag me back to those abortion clinics you hang out at, Roberta!”
I rolled my eyes while grabbing my purse and checking if I had all the documents.
“Look, we need to make sure everything’s okay, see if it’s all healthy. It’s a check-up, basic stuff.”
“Basic?! YOU SPREAD ME WIDE ON A COLD TABLE, FLASH ME TO A STRANGER, AND POKE ME WITH METAL GADGETS! THAT’S NOT BASIC, THAT’S A CRIME!”
“You’re exaggerating.”
“Exaggerating? Last time, that woman poked me so much I thought I’d leave there knocked up by a speculum!”
“My God, you’re not a kid!”
“I am too, isn’t there an adult pediatrician? They didn’t mess with me when you were a kid!”
I sighed, trying to keep my patience. I grabbed the keys and left the house, ignoring Valentina’s complaints — she’d be emailing the World Health Organization if she had fingers.
“And these tight pants? You trying to suffocate me before the appointment?”
“Stop complaining, Valentina.”
“I can’t! I feel like a vacuum-packed ham!”
I hopped on the bike and started it up. The engine’s rumble made Valentina let out a sigh… different.
“Hmmm… Okay, I forgive the pants.”
“You’re such a perv.”
“Who’s talking, but who’s into it? You!”
The ride was smooth, except for her indecent comments at every bump or brake.
We got to the clinic. I checked in at reception and sat down to wait.
“There’s folks here already sweating bullets… look at that lady over there, clutching her purse like it’s a shield!”
“Shut up, Valentina.”
“And that one with her legs crossed… bet she’s got a funky smell down there and loaded with discharge. If she spreads ‘em, we’ll slip on her gunk.”
“My God, you have no filter!”
“And you got no shame, ‘cause you brought me here knowing I hate it!”
Time dragged on, and finally, the nurse called my name. I took a deep breath and headed to the doctor’s office.
“Hi, Roberta, have a seat. We’ll start with some questions before the exam, okay?”
“Watch the questions, doc. She lies all the time!”
“Shut up, Valentina!”
The doctor smiled, with no clue what was going on in my head. She started the basic routine questions.
“How often do you have sex?”
“Uh, doc… nobody wants this one!”
“Wish it was better, doc,” I replied, ignoring the snark.
“Any unusual symptoms?”
I thought about asking if a talking pussy was normal, but I decided to stay quiet. But Valentina wasn’t gonna miss this.
“Hey, you little bitch doc, you think I’ve got crabs? Hope your snatch spits blood all over that crappy white pantsuit you threw on today.”
“Valentina, for God’s sake!”
But before I could argue with her, came the fateful line:
“Now you can undress from the waist down and lie on the table.”
“Oh, no… this is when I go down the drain!”
I took off my pants and panties, already feeling the icy AC on my privates. I lay on the table in the classic humiliating position.
“For God’s sake! I’m exposed, Roberta!”
“Pretend it’s a nude beach.”
“Nude beach my ass! At least there nobody pokes me with a hunk of iron!”
“You’ve been poked with worse, shut up!”
“Your ex’s dick, right?”
I laughed to myself while the doctor, clueless, put on gloves and prepped the tools.
Valentina was already hyperventilating.
“No, wait… that’s too big. She ain’t shoving all that in, right?”
“It’s just the speculum, relax!”
“Relax? Relax you with that jammed up your nose and see how it feels!”
It really was awful here; she lubed it up and started poking, pushing that thing inside me — it was cold and always went in uncomfortably. When she opened it, the feeling of being spread from the inside was super weird.
“Open up, Valentina, say AAAAAAAA!” I said, laughing to ease my nerves.
“AAAAAAAA!!!”
The doctor, oblivious to my inner panic, started the exam. The cold touch made Valentina scream in my head.
“OW, HOLY MOTHER OF PUSSY!”
“Stop the drama!”
“This ain’t drama, it’s survival! This slime wants to wreck me, Roberta! Couldn’t you at least warm this thing up?”
“Everything okay in there?” the doctor asked, looking at me with concern.
“Yeah, doc! Just… nerves!”
“Is there a version for the old butthole, Roberta? Could be interesting, huh!”
The doctor must’ve thought I was nuts; I couldn’t stop laughing at Valentina’s comments.
The exam and the swab took just a few minutes, but for Valentina, it was forever. When it was done, the doctor removed the speculum and smiled.
“All good, your health’s great! Just wait for the lab results.”
“If I survive that long…” I said out loud by accident. The doctor just ignored me.
I got dressed as fast as I could and left the room with massive relief.
“I never wanna go through that again!”
“Six months from now, Valentina.”
“SIX MONTHS?! I gotta do this again?!”
“Yeah, it’s part of life.”
“I refuse! I’ll start a movement against gyno exams! I’ll get a petition going!”
I left the clinic laughing at Valentina’s threats. Yeah, the day was hell, but at least my chatty pussy was healthy. And in the end, that’s what mattered.
“Can I get an ice cream?”
“You really want me to shove ice cream in you?”
“If someone’s gonna lick it after, could be nice!”
“You naughty pussy!”
“No, Roberta, YOUR naughty pussy!”